“You have a thing for Asians.”
“You like Asians.”
“You <3 Asians.”
This seems to be something I’m hearing a lot of recently and I’ve gotta say…it bothers me. The funny thing is, I’ve probably liked far more caucasian people than I have people with an Asian background but no one ever said to me “You have a thing for white people…” But lately, yes, the pattern of people I’m attracted to is a person of Asian background. Partly, I feel this is a coincidence, but it bothers me nevertheless because I don’t want to feel attracted to someone based solely on their ethnicity because that would be an indication that I was objectifying and seeing that person as “exotic.” It’s true, sometimes I am attracted to people who are different than me, but personally, I don’t really think someone having a different skin color or facial feature really makes them who they are, as a person. When I say “different” I mean possesses skills I do not have, I don’t mean ethnicity. I do understand that because of their ethnicity and cultural background, it will have had and will continue to have an affect on how they grow as a person because other people will treat you differently, especially in America where we have so many different backgrounds. I think it is important not to deny this difference, for it has affected who they are and to deny that would be a refusal to see them fully and it would also be a denial on my part to acknowledge my part in having affected those changes in anyone I ever met that had a different cultural background than me.
That being said, for me, the attraction does not really seem to be about the fact that they are or are not Asian. As I mentioned before, I have been attracted to and even fallen in love with people of many backgrounds but what they had in common that I loved was not what they looked like. I think anyone who’s ever really loved someone can tell you that the person they love looks nothing like anyone else they loved, regardless of their ethnicity. Even a mother who loves her identical twins will probably say to you that to her, they don’t really look all that much alike. The way people carry themselves alone is enough to give themselves away as being unique. It’s a mental perception that’s carried through to our actions. What I’m getting at is, if you actually care about someone, you do or very quickly come to care about what they do, not what they look like. Because what they do reveals or gives you an impression of what they are, not what they came from (may it also be noted here that when I say “where/what they came from” I don’t mean country, I mean family’s ancestral nationality because all the “Asians” I have met are actually Americans and I find it rather confusing that people don’t seem to recognize that difference). Anyway, what I fall for aren’t stereotypes, they’re people. If you’re going to insist on trying to find a pattern among the people I’ve dated, may I suggest qualities perhaps? Things like intelligence, loyalty, honesty, determination, kindness, patience, a humble mind, and an especially quirky and witty sense of humor are all things I prized in the people I really felt infatuated with.
But what about initial attraction? Did I ever feel an immediate sense of lust for someone I saw? Maybe on very rare occasions, but I mean very rare. Often, it wasn’t really about just looks, it was usually the way they carried and presented themselves. I felt a sense of immediate trust, thoughtfulness, and sensitivity in the way they moved. I sensed they were people that really calculated what the way they moved. I’m not saying I’m blind to physical features, but really, there’s just so much more to a person! I went to a college that had a very high Asian demographic and I will honestly say that I didn’t feel attracted to most of them (nor did I feel attracted to most of the white people I had met). Because in the end, what does the shape of your eyes say about you really? There’s millions of people with eyes or skin just like yours right this very minute. But will all people who are Asian going to attract me? Certainly not. What I want to know is can you compliment me in such a way that my life will benefit from it and will I benefit your life in a way that makes it more productive? Will you make me feel more fulfilled? I like people who are different from me, but because I want skills that I may not have to balance myself out. And I also want them to have similarities to me, so that I can feel understood and not so alone in the world. And that, is immensely hard to find. Why would I limit myself to just one ethnicity when simply having those gifts would be just so precious to me regardless of whom it came from and is so incredibly hard to find to begin with? I guess some people might be able to do that, limit themselves to some erotic idea that doesn’t really exist and they don’t really understand, but to me, it just doesn’t make logical sense.
Did the last three women I liked have an Asian ancestral background? Yes, they did. Have I liked Asians? Yes. But I also like people who are here with me now in America, whom I respect and want because they can be contributing partners to me as people, not as a race. I don’t want to marry a race. I want to feel butterflies for, exchange heartwarming compliments with that make me blush, spend all the time in the world having adventures, doing nothing, change the world with, say and hear “I love you” to, and commit myself to a person. Why in the world would I hang all those hopes and desires on someone just because they seemed “exotic” when I could have a wonderfully smart, kind, humble, funny, beautiful person? And this girl I like, that I maybe hope to have some kind of future with, she has her own name you know (and here’s a hint, it’s not “Asian”).
Now how do I say all this to someone kindly without say all this every time someone says to me,
“Sooo, you got a thing for Asians?”